The most human response,
when things happen…
when bad, things happen…
when unexpected, bad things happen… is
the proverbial “WHY? ” question.
I asked it when my baby, Grace, died, in utero, twenty-five years ago.
I asked it when I was diagnosed with colon cancer ten years ago.
I asked it when my 19 year old son, Caleb, died of an accidental drug overdose three years ago.
Sometimes it was a quiet, weeping statement, “Why, God?….I don’t understand”…
Sometimes it was a loud, yelling statement with flailing, fist-shaking arms, “WHY GOD?… I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!“
Sometimes it was a voiceless, groan and moan, collapsed on the floor, “why?… just why, God?“
I began to think to ask it AGAIN, about a month ago, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
But I hesitated. This time it was different.
Experience taught me.
Asking “WHY?” keeps me stuck.
And I think it keeps most people stuck.
Stuck in the wallowing pit; stuck in bed; stuck in depression; stuck in going forward because there seems no point to going on. What is life after this really bad thing that happened? How can I ever trust again? How can I ever laugh again? How can I go on without my child?
I have been there myself and see it as I listen to others try to process the unexpected, bad things that happen in life. Let’s face it… we want to know ALL the WHY’S… but in most things, we are not meant to know the answer, of WHY …
Most things, just are.
They just are, because God allows it for a purpose only He knows. THIS answer is hard. I fear most people do not want to hear it.
Shut my eyes!
Clamp my hands over my ears!
Stomp my feet and babble La-La-La-La …til it all goes away!
Yes. It is hard.
I believe it is hard because… well, we want to be bigger than God. We want to challenge Him, question Him, call Him on the carpet… don’t we?
I know I did.
You see, as a human, I like control of my life and wanted to keep it that way.
as a child of the Father, as a woman who loves Jesus, I need to remind myself:
- My life is not my own.
2. He knows best.
The day I asked Jesus into my heart, I gave up my life as my own and I surrendered it to the Father who … knows best. But, being human, I go about my life and often forget what that actually means. My life is not my own; I live to glorify God – and try to do what pleases Him. And to bring it right down to bare-bones truth: He knows best – always did and always will. Who am I to question what God allows in a life? He is the master painter, I am just a pigment of paint in His work.
THIS makes it easier now.
THIS makes me hesitate to ask again, Why?
THIS I have decided: Stop asking God, WHY?
And you know what?
I feel freed. I feel relieved. I feel totally at peace. I have crawled into the palm of His hand and can rest easy, supported and carried.
I don’t need to know why I have been allowed a second bout of cancer before I am even 60 years old. Or why I had to suffer the sudden, loss of two children. Or WHY of anything that happens in my life, day to day.
I know, that if I can keep my focus on this: God is God, and I am not, yet, God loves me… THEN I find peace.
The wrestling is over. The match is won and God’s arm is (always was) held up in victory. My job: trust Him and seek Him.
So this is my decision.
I share it with you, just in case you find yourself in the wallowing pit, or in the bed too long crushed by depression, or wonder what the point is in going on, or if there’s life worth living without your child…
I urge you too, to stop asking God, Why?
… And crawl into the palm of His hand and rest. He’s got this. Cuz He’s got you!
Jesus loves you, ya know.