The Battle Against Giving Up

I begin by walking on two legs
Up and down, here and there, strong and steady strutting,
Even … just to stand, I am strong.
that’s how it is as the dawn breaks and the glimmers of the grays turn into blues and the mist lifts to reveal clarity caught in the sunlight’s path.
There is purpose. I declare.
He nods in agreement.

Interruptions come when I don’t expect them like a sucker punch to the gut
And a hole blows through my center
Buckling and bending I trip and stumble as my head spins and whips around.
What now? And why, and winds up my thoughts…
Purpose, is there? I question.
He nods in agreement.

One after another, the unexpected warbling of words that wound, shatter my standing and I fall to my knees …
So hard is the floor,
the sound thuds and reverberates up my spine and my hands break my fall;
I am on all fours now and it’s primal as I groan and grovel from my gut.
No way is there a purpose! I cry out.
He nods in agreement.

I can’t take it anymore and I collapse on the floor – prone, with my cheek pressed into the floor…
Cold it is and the tears trickle.

The stillness is loud.

He stands.
He bends his knee, first one, then the other.
He slowly falls forward onto his own hands and gently relaxes next to me.
It’s cold for him too as his cheek is pressed as well…
He looks at me and grasps my gaze that overflows the sorrows and pains and hurts and reaches into my deepest of places with a cradling caress.
He sees me whole and it’s ok… and He invites me up.
Hard and heavy and hungry,
Together we lift the weight and brush off the dust.

With a firm and sound voice,
He compassionately says, “purpose.
I know he’s right.
I nod in agreement.
And I stand again,
ready to go on.

***

This.

The battle against giving up.

This, in the grief!

This is a very deepest and truest of loves.
For me, I would lose the battle against giving up, if it were not for my earthly husband, “He” is my steady and faithful, always at my side, meeting me no matter where I am and encouraging me, as an authentic reflection of the ONE who is the ultimate “HE” in my life; My Lord Jesus, who stands with me in every battle, leading the Way.  

Who, is your “He?

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2 thoughts on “The Battle Against Giving Up

  • I wish I had your gift of words because that completely describes my daily struggle. I, too, have been trying to maintain or even regain a sense of purpose. When I lose it. it’s usually because something reminded me of Tim, and this happens many times throughout my day, usually unexpectedly. Just a few minutes ago I was watching the Boston Pops. When they showed the trombone player, I thought my chest would burst. Tim was a talented trombone player. How I long to see him play again. It is not fair that a mother has to figure out what to do with her son’s belongings. What do I do with his beautiful trombone? Yes, I will keep it for now, but now is not forever which makes me weep. I am longing for the day that I can go public with Tim’s story so that I may have more purpose. But I must wait patiently and mournfully, while the case progresses at a snail’s pace.
    God has given you a wonderful husband.

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  • May God Bless you steadily, day by day, in Jesus name, Amen. God Is watching, And although we may not know his plan, God is Good, and Scripture will Never Give way, nor break. I love you guys, keep the strength of the Lord at your right hand. I will be trying to do the same. I know it isnt easy. What matters is, Jesus is worth it everything, he gave it all for us. I belong to Jesus, he gave me life, and life again. I know he will persue you in Love, and Truth, so stay strong, keep fighting. May the Lord our God of Heaven and Earth make you fly on wings of eagles. Again, In Jesus Holy & Strong Name, Amen. God knows my prayer even before now as i type it. He sees me & protects me that I may type. I can do nothing without my God, and I am thankful that i could lend you these simple heartfelt words of hope. Jesus knows your pain.

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