Where was God, when my Son Died of an Overdose?

My son, was alone when he died.

This fact haunts me.

His friend, “asleep” in the next room, unaware, did not wake up in time help my son. There was no one else around, just the two of them.

With angry, mournful cries, my question stands:

Where was God, when my son died of an overdose?

It had been a self-medicating night of weed, alcohol, and cocaine. Pizza, laughs and companionship, leading to a late night taste of heroin. One high falling to a lull, after the next high falling to a lull, and on it went.

Why heroin?

It was not his drug of choice; He told me several times, “I will never do that mom, I am not that stupid.” All I can assume is that he was not in any right-frame-of-mind and therefore did not realize what he was doing; he had no idea that the heroin was laced with fentanyl.

ikvk6228.jpgHe just bought new sneakers one week before, a prideful accomplishment on his part; he sent me this photo saying, “I got a good deal , mom, $10 bucks off!.” He recently picked out his meal choice for his brother’s upcoming wedding, “beef” of course, we all knew he’d choose that.  Earlier that week, he made plans to go to the gym with another brother to get back in shape. Just four days before, he wept with a sober friend, confessing he had relapsed and knew he was in trouble and was afraid. I believe he finally got to the point of realizing for himself that he had a problem and needed help.

My son did not intend for his life to end on that terrible night.

So, where was God when he pulled out the heroin packets? Why didn’t God awaken the friend sooner?

As my son began to lose his capacity to breathe, did he know it? When the oxygen level was cut off, and his heart slowed to a stop, could my son comprehend what was happening? Did he cry out for help, inside? Did God hear him?

Here’s what I believe:

I believe that God was with my son the whole time, weeping over his choices perhaps, but loving him through it all. If comfort and assurance was needed as my son was in that flash-of-a-moment, realizing he was dying… I know that God gave comfort. When faced with stuff too hard to do alone,

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:8a. 

I often told my son this.

I believe, that God held his heart, til it’s last beat and cradled his soul with his last exhale, hugging him into heaven. God is a God of compassion and of mercy and He knew even more than we,  how much my son needed to be rescued. And rescue, God did. My son was rescued from ten years of mental anguish, inner turmoil, two years of addiction, and all the fall out that crippled life for him; he suffers no more.

I often think: what was ahead that God spared him from? … the unseen future that only God sees. Because of His sovereignty, I choose to trust that what God allowed was the best for my son; in this trust, my anger dissipates. Though I still weep mournful tears and my arms ache to wrap my arms around my son, I know that God did not fail him, or me.

Currently my son has no need of sneakers, beef, or the gym; Instead, my son enjoys the fullness of peace with God.

If you wonder where God is in your battle, be assured, He is with you because He never leaves us, or forsakes us.

 

 

 

 

 

128 thoughts on “Where was God, when my Son Died of an Overdose?

  • Beautifully written. Thank you for helping me to imagine what Caleb may have been thinking and feeling as he was being prepared to leave this life. Your assurance of God’s love and sovereignty shines through and brings honor to Him.

    Like

  • Thank you.I needed this tonight.I lost my 26 yr old daughter Leah to an overdose almost 3 yrs ago and I have wondered if GOD was with her at the last.I know he was now.I just lost sight of it.Thank you for reminding me of how he is always with us and was with her that night!

    Like

    • God’s ways are bigger than our ways and I know I can not often understand why God does allow what He does…I just find that if I trust Him, I am able to have peace. I am glad you found comfort in this post …I pray that you will know God’s love for you even in the midst of your pain. Our children are with the most merciful and loving God and are at peace.

      Like

  • This was exactly what I needed to hear tonight…what an amazing faith you possess and it seems so possible that, in your unimaginable grief right now, God is right there with you as well.

    Like

  • Thank you for writing this. My daughter died of a fentanyl overdose and these same question have weighed heavy on my heart mind and soul. Yes my daughter was going through some horrible things for 5 yrs before she pasted. My heart still breaks. Thank you.

    Like

    • I am sorry for your broken heart…I totally understand. Know that God loves our children more than we could ever, and He loves you everyday right now and is able to bring you peace.

      Like

  • Thank you, I needed that more than anything. I prayed to God I would accept anything but I have been so angry for so long. You have given me peace in my heart ❤️. God bless you.

    Like

  • I’m crying right now because my beautiful daughter is battling addiction. She’s been clean for four months now and I pray it continues. So sorry for the loss of your son. So heartbreaking. Bless you and all of the family members that have lost loved ones to this devastating disease of addiction.

    Like

    • May your daughter be strong in recovery! May you both feel the presence of God in your lives, He is the Way toward healing. Thank you for your kind words and I am glad to have touched your heart – makes me feel like I am doing the right thing by speaking up and out ❤

      Like

  • Thank you very much because I also lost my son to heroin. He was with a friend that heard or saw nothing. I know God was with him at the end and I thank you for your words of love.

    Like

    • Passing it on…God loves me and so I must do what i can to love others…this is my way right now. I am so glad that you were encouraged and I hope that you know that Jesus loves you even still … and will give you all the comfort and strength that you need

      Like

  • My son and only child died alone from a fentanol overdose August 30th 2015. He left behind 4 children. My heart breaks for them and myself💔

    Like

  • Thank you for your story… I lost my only daughter April 11, 2018 to an overdose. She was totally alone, her father and I were just getting back from a vacation. She lay there for almost 5 days , her father and I found her when we got back as I was worried I hadn’t heard from her. Your story brings me comfort as it’s the only way I can think of her end with God beside her. I was so angry at first, now I’m battling the overwhelming loss and sadness. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Like

    • It is overwhelming, I agree. Allow yourself to feel, but don;t let your feelings rule you. Give it bit by bit to God and He will be with you always to sustain you and give you the strength you need for each day. I will pray for you to feel his daily presence and feel comforted.

      Like

  • So beautiful… I’m sitting here in tears, mourning with you. Thank you for your words. I love your faith for God. Your words helped me so much. I’ve lost so many family members and I’ve never blamed God for their passing though I’ve often asked, “Why”, so perhaps, yes, HE saved them from something much worse? I don’t know. Your words gave me so much comfort.
    Thank you.

    Like

    • you are welcome – and may you feel the love of God in your life as you too ask the same questions in pain – please trust that He has the plan and He will comfort you always.

      Like

  • Thank you. Very well spoken. I often had the same question. I now believe you are right. I read Proof of Heaven that gave me comfort s well. God Bless !

    Like

  • I so believe this I’m so glad you didnt blame God like many people do I know God does what is best for us he walks with us in life fulfilling are every need you son is dancing in the sky

    Like

  • Wow, this is so close to home. My son, too, passed from heroin laced with fentanyl. I know he didn’t know it was laced with that poison that would take his life. He too had recently bought new gym shoes. His brother was in the next room (they were roommates), and didn’t know what was happening. My son came home that night, went into his brother’s room, said goodnight, gave him a hug and said I love you. The next morning, his brother found him on the floor of his bedroom. I often ask why God took my precious son and of course there are no answers. I also ask when is He going to take me and pray that it’s too long everyday. Thank you for sharing this. I feel like it’s a sign from my son or God telling me my son is okay and my son is in God’s glory. But the anguish doesn’t end, our family chain is broken. It’s a very sad love story.

    Like

    • it is indeed a sad love story…but the story is not over, right? We must trust God for it…He is doing a mighty work in your family as he is in mine… the pain is still there, and yet, God sustains and loves us even still…be encouraged my fellow-momma

      Like

  • This says it all..at that very moment..the Lord brought him home..He took your son’s hand..and guided him home…he was never alone…this is such a beautiful letter mama..💜❤

    Like

  • I am so sorry for the loss of your son. But i agree that you are right about god. I believe your son went directly to heaven and is right there over your shoulder at the same time. Loving you through this sadness. X

    Like

  • Thank you for writing this. I often wonder the same things. My sons Heroin was also laced with fentanyl. He went into cardiac arrest and respiratory arrest. They brought him back and he was on life support until he was declared brain dead November, 2016. I also often wonder what God was sparing him from and his future. I know I will see him one day but until Then my heart aches. I’m truly sorry for your loss as well, love Torin‘s mom
    4ever23 😢

    Like

    • hugs to you dear momma – our pain is real, but God’s love is real too and He wills sustain us…peace and comfort come form knowing he loves our sons more than we do.

      Like

  • This touches my heart I have to grown girls that I worry every day of there addiction. I know that in addiction they are not there normal self they don’t wake up one day and say I’m going to use. I wish I could be more understanding and that I’m working on. I’m about to face bringing my daughter home with me and help her through it. I’m asking God to help me and give me the strength I need.

    Like

    • if you ask – God will give you the strength you need. I am sorry and feel you pain and heartache. check out my blog on “No Addict wants to be an Addict” by going to my main site Sherylhomes.com and clicking onto my older blog site called Always a song of hope…you may be encouraged
      .

      Like

  • I feel for you and for your loss. I am coming up on a year clean from heroin addiction and an addiction to the needle. This could have easily been my fate a year ago. I am so sorry that your son lost his battle with his addiction. I am so sorry your having to feel this pain. I will keep you in my prayers. And your right God never left him. God had a plan all along. Unfortunately too many friends and family members are losing their lives to this drug and I pray that our society as a whole will do more to combat this issue. You are in my prayers.

    Like

    • Thank you for your prayers for me, I cherish them! May you be blessed with continued drug free living and may you know God loves you so much and He will never leave you – may you feel his love everyday! I am doing what I can to speak out and try to change this culture one person at a time – to understand that this drug epidemic is real and we all need to do what we can to reverse the tragedies…so I keep loving on those in recovery and educating those who are caught be stigma and are blind.

      Like

  • I am so sorry for your loss, sometimes this world seems so cruel. We try to keep our children and other family members close to us but God had other plans. Some of them not what we want. We have to learn to live with his decisions. I hope you have.

    Like

  • Wow…powerful…made me cry. I often feel “where was god” when my daughter and her friend died in a terrible accident 7/11/14 at only 15 years old.. I too have tried believing he or she was there til the end to help the girls into heaven but i m still torn by my belief that if there was a god they would not be gone. I m so sorry for your loss and am glad u have found a kind of inner peace with ur belief.

    Like

    • Your daughter and her friend are with the most merciful and gracious God… God has his purposes and plans and we often do not understand them because we cannot see the whole picture; this does not erase our pain or our sufferings…yet, I pray that you can believe that He does exist and He loves you and has his reasons as he sustains you daily – may you find peace too in all of this

      Like

  • I pray that God was holding my baby sister Holly when she overdosed January 30th 2018 I still cannot seem to come to terms with her death…..I miss her so deeply.

    Like

    • missing our loved ones will never be easy and never will end cuz we love them so much…forever in our hearts. I pray tho that you can feel the love of God in your life even still

      Like

  • I love this my sons died last year a month apart of each other. I will always love them and miss them. God held them I do believe.

    Like

  • Hi Sheryl. I also lost my son~~~~~ from alcohol overdose. He was 27 at the time. I also live in New England. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

    Like

    • Thank you for your words… I am sorry for your loss as well…I hope you can feel the presence of the Lord in your life everyday sustaining you and carrying you on those the hard days

      Like

  • I share your pain of losing a son too soon. My son was hit by a car, killed instantly we were told. He had recently relapsed again. He was high and we do not know why he was in the middle of a busy highway, on a dark rainy night. “Black Friday” 11/25/16.

    Like

    • I am so so sorry for your loss and pain…unfortunately , we will never know those reasons “why” our kids were where they were in those last moments…All we can know is that nothing comes by surprise to God …and He is the most loving and merciful God.

      Like

  • This was Beautiful and helped me very much to remember that God loved my Son and Never Left him. I miss my son so much but I do Beleive he is in God’s Arm free from His Pain and Mental Anguish and Any future Pain. Thank You.

    Like

  • My niece took 300 equate sleeping pills on two days before her 40 birthday layed down on her daddy’s grave and God was there to hold her as she slipped away. That was Sept. Now my sister her mother has been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer she still driving her lose. But we will start her fight now to live. God is there He is never changing.

    Like

  • OH Sheryl!!! Thank you! It expresses my heart too. I’ve never doubted God, His goodness, or love through all of this. I’ve only been assured that all is well for my son who is held in the healing arms of God. I do miss him desperately. I know he didn’t mean to leave us. But, from the beginning, I felt I would lose a child. I used to beg God when the two of them were small, telling Him I couldn’t survive the loss of one of my boys. But, somehow, God knew. I’m still learning how to “know” every day that goes by. But my faith in God is stronger through this loss, and heaven is closer than ever before. So near, yet, so far away……………

    Like

  • Thank you for this! My son was shot and killed while under the influence of heroin and I’m still battling the questions and negative thoughts. This helps a lot.

    Like

    • I am glad that these words helped. The LORD knows all – every circumstance…and He has the best plans, even when it involves our suffering…we must trust this, especially when we do not understand from our human perspective. I pray that you will know the love of Jesus even still, through it all…and that you can find comfort in knowing that your son is with the most merciful God.

      Like

    • agreed, choices are ours to make…yet, I know my son gave his heart to Jesus long before…the mistakes we make do not erase our salvation… God is eager to find the lost lambs… He is with them no matter what

      Like

  • Thank you for your touching story. I lost my daughter the same way, our stories are very similar. I know she would have never thought it would be her last time. She had struggled for the last 2 years with different situations but I know she is at peace. She believed and loved the Lord as her savior that is what gives me comfort in knowing that she had God with her. I pray every day that God will be with all of us that are coping with the lose of our loved ones, a Good bless.

    Like

  • This I believe and it is what gets me through every single day. It has been 5 long years without my forever 22 year old son Kyle. Thank you for posting this message. Sometimes I need to hear it again!

    Like

  • My son also died of an overdose 4 days after he got out of rehab. It’s been a little over two years and it’s been a long road of grief and wondering why God didn’t save my son. Why did God think I could handle this? The image I have after reading this of God holding my son in his arms somehow is very comforting and I have often thought maybe my son was spared something that would have been horrible.

    Like

    • I agree with you on this note…I do believe God rescued our sons form something even worse…He has just the right and perfect timing for everything – we must believe it…and know that He loves our sons more than we could and He loves us still.

      Like

  • Vicky, Im sorry for your loss, our family’s haven’t been very close over the years, and I can take the blame for that, I let my wife control who we were close to and I did nothing to control that. I miss my Baxter family, Anyway Paul is in good hands with my mom, aunt poke, aunt rete, my brother Jimmy, Im sure I have not cover all bases hear but I love you guys and would like to know you better!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s