Where was God, when my Son Died of an Overdose?

My son, was alone when he died.

This fact haunts me.

His friend, “asleep” in the next room, unaware, did not wake up in time help my son. There was no one else around, just the two of them.

With angry, mournful cries, my question stands:

Where was God, when my son died of an overdose?

It had been a self-medicating night of weed, alcohol, and cocaine. Pizza, laughs and companionship, leading to a late night taste of heroin. One high falling to a lull, after the next high falling to a lull, and on it went.

Why heroin?

It was not his drug of choice; He told me several times, “I will never do that mom, I am not that stupid.” All I can assume is that he was not in any right-frame-of-mind and therefore did not realize what he was doing; he had no idea that the heroin was laced with fentanyl.

ikvk6228.jpgHe just bought new sneakers one week before, a prideful accomplishment on his part; he sent me this photo saying, “I got a good deal , mom, $10 bucks off!.” He recently picked out his meal choice for his brother’s upcoming wedding, “beef” of course, we all knew he’d choose that.  Earlier that week, he made plans to go to the gym with another brother to get back in shape. Just four days before, he wept with a sober friend, confessing he had relapsed and knew he was in trouble and was afraid. I believe he finally got to the point of realizing for himself that he had a problem and needed help.

My son did not intend for his life to end on that terrible night.

So, where was God when he pulled out the heroin packets? Why didn’t God awaken the friend sooner?

As my son began to lose his capacity to breathe, did he know it? When the oxygen level was cut off, and his heart slowed to a stop, could my son comprehend what was happening? Did he cry out for help, inside? Did God hear him?

Here’s what I believe:

I believe that God was with my son the whole time, weeping over his choices perhaps, but loving him through it all. If comfort and assurance was needed as my son was in that flash-of-a-moment, realizing he was dying… I know that God gave comfort. When faced with stuff too hard to do alone,

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:8a. 

I often told my son this.

I believe, that God held his heart, til it’s last beat and cradled his soul with his last exhale, hugging him into heaven. God is a God of compassion and of mercy and He knew even more than we,  how much my son needed to be rescued. And rescue, God did. My son was rescued from ten years of mental anguish, inner turmoil, two years of addiction, and all the fall out that crippled life for him; he suffers no more.

I often think: what was ahead that God spared him from? … the unseen future that only God sees. Because of His sovereignty, I choose to trust that what God allowed was the best for my son; in this trust, my anger dissipates. Though I still weep mournful tears and my arms ache to wrap my arms around my son, I know that God did not fail him, or me.

Currently my son has no need of sneakers, beef, or the gym; Instead, my son enjoys the fullness of peace with God.

If you wonder where God is in your battle, be assured, He is with you because He never leaves us, or forsakes us.

 

 

 

 

 

116 thoughts on “Where was God, when my Son Died of an Overdose?

    • Yes, the fact God is with us and with our children , does not take away the sadness or the pain… it only gives us comfort to know that our children are with Him and at peace. Yet, the Lord will sustain us in every way needed so that we may continue on in life and be a blessing to others, in His love.

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    • Yes, and thank you, and I am sorry for you loss too, but so happy that you also have faith to carry on with life knowing that God has your heart in his hands as well to love you and sustain you through this terribleness.

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  • Yes ma’am this story is my faith. My son overdosed on his 27 birthday. Coming up on two years I have believe this so I can go on. My son overdosed on Fentanyl. I took off one month kick cried prayed then choice came go to work and face life or go be with my son. My faith carries me

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  • God Bless you. I lost my 26 yr old nephew on Christmas Eve 2016. Your sons story sound identical to Chases. My nephew was like my very own child. He was the first child grandchild, nephew, cousin. & he was absolutely beautiful inside & out. My heart will never be the same. However, I do know God took your son, as he did Chase into his loving arms & took them to paradise.

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  • If it is any source of comfort at all, your sol was likely not scared or even aware of what was happening. Having experience myself, and in also saving others from it, the overdose is not traumatic until you have been revived.
    He just went to sleep.

    As a heroin addict, and as a mother who’s worst fear is that for my own children, and who regrets what I have put my own mother through, know that he loved you and wanted to make you proud. Addiction doesn’t care how much you love your family, if it did none of us would be there. EVERY SINGLE TIME he ever said he wanted to change, or was trying to change, he meant it. And more than anything he wanted to be for you, so desperately, what he could not.

    I’m so sorry you have lost your son, I continue my fight every day for him, and all the others gone too soon.

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  • Thank you for writing your blog. It captured my exact feelings. I am so grateful for having God in my life and a deep faith. I recently

    posted this on my Facebook page: A mother on a mission from God: Substance abuse disorder, #heroinaddiction #opioidcrisis is not a moral failing, it is a brain disorder. It can happen to anyone, there are no boundaries. People that abuse drugs like heroin face two outcomes: death or sobriety. There is no in-between. Their are no casual heroin users. My son struggled for many years, he came close to death several times and finally lost his life June 15, 2018.

    Bad decisions or weak will, do not explain this disease. We must change policies and medical practices to support ppl w the addiction, help others resist it, support prevention and expose fewer ppl to the addictive substance. We must find solutions like Medical Assisted Therapy (MAP) and more. Jail is not the solution. We also need treatment programs that provide #help #hope #support. Ppl who suffer need care in the same way ppl w/ diabetes, heart disease or cancer do. They need compassionate care, love and support. #BeautifulBoy movie may help bring light to this.

    Addiction can happen to your loved ones, your friends, coworkers or even yourself. There are NO boundaries.
    For those that knew my son Bud, they know this is true.

    Families need help and support too, like the type of support I received from my sisters and family, Serenity House Counseling Services, Inc. Rae Ann Marquez David Naylor Bridgeway Recovery Services in Austin, TX -just to name a few. The support helps makes life bearable and hopeful.
    Faith-based support like Parkview Christian Church (New Lenox Campus) and Stephen Ministries and Robin Webb were lifechanging, lifegiving, lifemaking. Their support provided #hope #truth #life. Their support provided #love and acceptance. Their support provided me an ear to listen, people to lean on and a voice for me to tell our story. Their support was a real MIRACLE.

    While my son didn’t make it, by the grace of God I’m optimistic we are on a path to #recovery for others. #facingaddiction. The Surgeon General of the United States has made this a top priority-we can do this. we can help http://www.surgeongeneral.gov #endoverdose #stopthestigma

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